Friday Night Fights

Head to head comparisons reveal the superiority of dietary ingredients, but this path is least traveled.

ByAnthony Almada, B.Sc., M.Sc.

Ladies and gentlemen…this is the night you’ve been waiting for. FRIDAY NIGHT RESEARCH FIGHTS! Tonight’s double bill is sure to titillate and certain to tame your hunger for head-to-head, mano a mano research at its pugilistic peak. Let’s introduce the first contestants:

“In the Sugar Ray ring, in the far corner, in the red trunks we have Al ‘Lucky’ Lipoic: fast releasing and fast retreating. Some have said his strategy stinks. In the near corner, in the chartreuse trunks we have Al ‘Lente’ Lipoic—a second cousin, and no love lost here. Lente has punches so slow, so controlled, so enduring—you almost feel the second one hit you before the first. OK gentlemen, let’s have a fair fight. Same doses. One five minute round, two scoring points—one for pharmacokinetic endurance and one for pharmacodynamic activity…and let’s go to the end on this one.” (DING!)

“Lucky starts with a flurry—a hummingbird peppering Lente. It’s the tortoise and the hare all over again. Lente is slow to appear tonight…Lucky appears relentless and unstoppable…but wait. Lucky’s luck appears to be fading. Lente has the endurance. Lucky is lasting! (DING!) I don’t think they took it to the end. We may have to wait for the decision on this one.”

“Ladies and gentlemen. We have a split decision. Lente Lipoic is the victor for staying in the blood at a higher concentration, and for a longer period of time—a clear winner on the pharmacokinetic score. We call a draw between Lucky Lipoic and Lente Lipoic on the pharmacodynamics activity score—such as glucose disposal, postprandial glucose, or longer term markers. The two fighters failed to take it out this far. No pharmacodynamic fight—no judgment of who is world champion. We just don’t know. The pharmaco-fighting world casts a shameful gaze upon you, Lente—the great white hope—and turning out to still be the great white hype.

“For tonight’s second title fight, also in the Sugar Ray ring—after we’ve re­moved that lingering sulfur sweat scent from the previous fight—in the near corner, in the cinnamon trunks we have Cindy ‘Spice Girl’ Munson—straight off the shelf. She’s been a winner in several contests here vs. contenders that had the same scent but sported placebo punches. Many journalists have overlooked her reliable punches—reproducible and effective—being jaded by her old-school, simple, conventional style and low cost training regimen. And in the far corner, in the pink trunks we have Cindy ‘Extraction’ Jackson, a highly refined fighter, with precision punches, and a compelling pedigree. A recent issue of Research Sport criticized her for denigrating Spice as being “cheap and dirty,” while Extraction has declined on every offer to fight her in the ring, not on the pages. Well tonight the world will see what they’ve been waiting for.

(DING!) “Spice jumps into the ring. Spice is all over Extraction like icing on a cinnamon roll, but Extraction is able to parry and duck. None of Spice’s punches are landing despite powdery sweat flying everywhere. Extraction is showing some masterful eluding, no doubt a product of the high dollar training facility she has spent all of her career at. The crowd is erupting with a chant of ‘FIGHT!’ but despite all of Spice’s attempts Extraction just dips and dodges bullets. I’m watching Keanu Reeves in the Matrix all over again. (DING!) I don’t know how to call this one—no punches landed.

“Ladies and gentlemen. For the first time in Friday Night Research Fights history we have a unanimous decision without any score. We call out Cindy ‘Spice Girl’ Munson the undisputed champ…by DEFAULT.

“Well that wraps up a truly unsettling double bill, ladies and gentlemen. We were hoping for some action packed pharmacology, defining a champion in each class but we have no more than we started with. The tension that filled the air when we began this evening has been replaced by frustration, and a sea of lingering doubt.”NW